Dude!

Or, how I score with the 'stache.

Here's the thing, and I'm serious. When Kevin told me I was supposed to grow a mustache, I said, no way dude! 'Cause if you got the stache, you're riding bareback, you know what I mean? But let me tell you friends, that IS NOT THE CASE. The mustache has otherworldly powers, is a FACILITATING and FILTERING MECHANISM the like of which has not been seen since the days of jousting and toga parties.

You see, you came to Mustache Summer '99 not knowing WHY it was necessary, right? But then, after a moment's thought, the eureka moment arrived and you said, yeah, the image of the mustache has faded over the last decade or so, as the venerable lip-cover has been displaced by that pungent half-birth, the goatee. But in the back of your single-male mind you're thinking, man, if I grow the 'stache, I won't date the whole summer! Chicks don't dig it!

Chicks Dig It

I know, I know, you live in a city-type situation and you gotta get the gear and set your style and all that other SWOBO crap just to get a date, right? The Darwinian puff-tail jungle dance requires you to not look like everyone else, but MORE like everyone else than they are! Check it: your cutoff Ben Davises and "Larry" shirt or Gap V/Khaki combo aren't cuttin muster, Steve, because your tail won't ever be as big and red as the next guy's, see? Which is why all the Sheilas you go out with look alike, dress alike, and live on the same block.

Your problem is solved with the 'stache. It functions like a sifter. You pour the whole messa crap in the top, shake and stir, and what comes out the bottom is ready for baking. The ones you like, singleman, are the ones who look at your face and say, there's a man willing to make a bold statement: this is NOT a Castrostache, this is NOT a Smokystache, what is sprouting this difficult-to-navigate trophy case is a real man. Not some baby-faced Crunchboy. The 'stache, as I've heard time and again, is SEXY.

I'll tell you the truth, I stay away from places now that I used to treat as a snack bar, say, a few concentric circles from the Presidio theater, because I'd have to explain in polysyllabic terms the movement and they might think I was talking about Tai Bo. But overall, the 'stache functions like a business card - they already know something important about you - that you have put yourself in an elite, albeit often misunderstood group. You DON'T have to start from the beginning, you DON'T have to begin with waz-ya-name, you can start with stacheworthy allusions, observations, and insights. And that, my friends, is worth a little trimming.

Let me know how it goes.

Hairs of man that hang
Tufted, thick as a narwhal's
Tender baleen sieve

Stash & Carrie #1