Mustache Summer '99 - Ask Dr. Likket

by Dr. Phar Likket, C.M.T.

Feed Your Stache

Dear Dr. Likket,
Much has been made in the media lately about proper nutrition. First they say you should eat carbohydrates, then they say you should eat lots of protein and no carbohydrates. One book says that I should tailor my diet to match my blood type, another book I read said I should eat foods according to the "element" that my birthday says I am (it's wood, by the way). All these changes are stressing my mustache. It has become listless and wan. What kind of foods should I eat to keep my mustache healthy?

Food Crazy, Portland, OR

Dear Food Crazy:
A mustache, like any living thing, requires proper care and feeding. Stress can affect a mustache's growth and health, and by following fad diets you can damage the follicles that nourish your mustache hairs. Improper diet can also affect the appearance of the hairs themselves. Certain dietary deficiencies (not enough tannin, for example) can even change the color of your mustache.
Members of the Vatican Guard in the eighteenth century manipulated their diets to change their mustaches to a uniform and fiery red. A Papal decree dated October 1765 describes the color as "Really, really red. No, really."

A full discussion of mustache nutrition would take up more space than I have available in this column. But do not despair. Here at the Lutz Mustache Clinic, I've come up with a chart to help my patients choose which foods are best for their mustache, and which foods they should avoid. This chart is the result of many years of testing using scientific methods. I have also incorporated some ideas from the Belgian Mustache Method pioneered by the Academie Swerte Soupe', under the direction of that center's nutritionist, Calvin Vern Hilgert. It resembles the standard "food pyramid": one should take four servings a day from the first group, three from the second, two from the third, and one from the fourth. Competitive mustache growers have been known to "top weight" their diets when starting a new mustache (they take more than the recommended number of servings from the top of the pyramid at the expense of lower groups), but they are highly trained professionals, and I would not recommend this practice for the lay grower. Here is the chart:

Mustache Pyramid

There are excellent soy and wheat meat substitutes available on the market. A completely vegetarian diet can yield as lustrous a mustache as one that contains meat. I also recommend that my patients drink plenty of fresh water and sleep with their windows open, to aid peristalsis.

Dr. Phar Likket, C.M.T. is a certified mustache therapist. He has a private practice in Lutz, Fla.

Still in need of stache advice? Ask the good doctor, or read last week's column.

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